Book Review: The Meaning of Marriage

Our intention for our blog is to be a little more balanced, not just blogging about food :)  And hopefully Bryan will chime in at some point!  So to begin that diversity, this is the first of (hopefully) many book reviews!  And since Valentine's Day is this week, how fitting that this book is on marriage.

I have just finished The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.  It is the best book on marriage I have read.  From a recent newlywed's point of view, I think that many marriage books are more beneficial after at least a year of marriage.  However, this book has wonderful application and insight for engaged couples, newlyweds, or veterans (to clarify: I am not calling myself a veteran of marriage, I'm still a newlywed right?!?)

The outline: Keller uses Ephesians 5:18-33 as the framework for the book.  Each chapter takes a few verses from that well known passage on marriage and fleshes it out with much wisdom and grace.

Some of my favorite points:

• Society's view of marriage: In chapter 1, Keller unpacks how the attitude toward marriage has evolved and our society's views of marriage.  He talks about our "Pessimistic Idealism" toward marriage.  In essence, we want marriage to be all about me - for my benefit, convenient to me, someone who understands and accepts me as I am and doesn't place any demands on me to change, someone who will fulfill all my needs.  So, in looking for our perfect "soul mate", we have set up unrealistic expectations that no human could meet.  This results in pessimism in every finding the "perfect person".  Therefore, marriage is often put off or given up altogether.

• The Mission for Marriage: This is the title of chapter 4. Keller discusses friendship, where real friendship can be defined as possessing constancy & transparency ("Real friends always let you in, and never let you down").  In Christ, we can add Christian friendship to that, which results in spiritual transparency (honesty about our sins and lovingly point out our spouses sins) and spiritual constancy (we bear each other's burdens).  Spiritual friendship is not just common likes and interests, but is people on the same journey in life as we look forward to heaven, where we will be glorified.  In marriage, we add the power of romantic love to Christian friendship, which makes it the richest of all relationships.  See the third quote below ("What, then is marriage for...") to wrap up the essence of the message. It's a powerful chapter!

• My role: Chapter 6 addresses gender roles, which can be a touchy subject.  Women - check this out! In Genesis 2:18, Eve is called "a helper suitable for (Adam)".  The Hebrew word for helper here is 'ezer, which is best translated "helper-companion".  Ok, so what?  Well, other uses of this word in the bible frequently refer to military help, especially as reinforcements which are required to win the battle.  All other uses of the word 'ezer refer to God himself!  This is such an encouragement to me - I'm not just a helper to my husband, I am vital aid, reinforcements, that he needs to win his battles!  What a noble calling.

Favorite quotes:

• "Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or wife in marriage" (Ch 2, pg 53)

• "To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." (Ch 3, pg 95)

• "What, then, is marriage for? It is the helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us. The common horizon husband and wife look toward is the Throne, and the holy spotless, and blameless nature we will have.... Each spouse then should give him- or herself to be a vehicle for that work and envision the day that you will stand together before God, seeing each other presented in spotless beauty and glory." (Ch 4, pgs 120-1)

The challenge:

• Singles: Because the purpose or mission for marriage is not happiness or self-fulfillment, this changes everything in how you approach dating and looking for a spouse (in fact, there is an entire chapter devoted to Singles).  The mission of marriage is to present your spouse blameless before the Throne - therefore you aren't looking necessarily for the "perfect person" but for someone who will, through the power of the Holy Spirit, be transformed year after year to look more like Christ.

• Sinning against my spouse: "The one person in the whole world who holds your heart in her hand, whose approval and affirmation you most long for and need, is the one who is hurt more deeply by your sin than anyone else on the planet." (Ch 5, pg 162)

• Gender roles: Both husband and wife are to emulate Christ in our roles. The wife is to pattern her submission after Christ's submission to the Father (see Philippians 2) - "submission in marriage is a gift I offer (out of love), not a duty coerced from me" (Ch 6, pg 175).  The husband is to pattern his headship after Christ's servant leadership (see John 13) - "authority and leadership mean that you become the servant, you die to self in order to love and serve the Other" (Ch 6, pg 177).

I highly recommend this book - it will make you think, it will convict you, it will encourage you.  What an awesome thought that the mission of my marriage isn't simply to have some kids, keep a nice house, have a good career, and tell people about Jesus some... but that our goal in marriage is to help each other become like Christ on this earth as we minister to those around us, and then ultimately to present each other before the Throne holy and blameless.

I may be biased, because I do love Tim Keller (hmm, did I mention that our dog is named Keller?).  But seriously, no matter how long you have been married, read this book - I promise it will be a refreshment to your marriage!